Wake me up, I've been dreaming. It feels just like any other day. I sit you down, here goes nothing, and you're not gonna like what I say. Get out. Just get out. Get out, get out that's what you said. You drive me crazy. I can't believe that's what you did. Don't call me baby! I know I'm wrong, I knew all along that you'd find out. I'm the perfect mistake I'm hoping you'll make right now.
Wake me up, I've been dreaming. Cuz I haven't heard from you in days. Hazy now, this fog just follows me around and it only burns with you always. Get out, oh just get out. Get out, get out that's what you said. You drive me crazy. I can't believe that's what you did. Don't call me baby. I know I'm wrong, I knew all along that you'd find out. I'm the perfect mistake I'm hoping you'll make right now.
I see your face every time I close my eyes. It's worse you say. It comes as no surprise. Why am I hell bent on losing when I can't get you out of my head?
Thursday, April 3, 2014
Decisions
Making a decision is one of those difficult life tasks that everyone overlooks. I always worried about if I would get a job when I was older and if I would make enough money. I never thought about what would happen when I was given two perfect options and had to choose.
There is nothing more difficult than a hard decision because you are basically arguing with yourself. You can always ask for other's advice, but really they can't sway your decision. It is all up to you and if it fails, that's your fault.
Making decisions is something you have to be good at. If you're not, you'll fail automatically. Nobody can help you steer your own life. It's tough, but it's life.
There is nothing more difficult than a hard decision because you are basically arguing with yourself. You can always ask for other's advice, but really they can't sway your decision. It is all up to you and if it fails, that's your fault.
Making decisions is something you have to be good at. If you're not, you'll fail automatically. Nobody can help you steer your own life. It's tough, but it's life.
Can you believe it?
I was thinking the other day an I wondered, why did I ever start this stupid lie in the first place? What was it that made me think that it would help me. Then it came to me. I was sick of being treated like a child.
In high school, everyones credibility is judged by what year in school you are. Nobody can be smarter or more respected if they are younger than you. I always hung out with older people and that's probably why I hated being treated like my opinion didn't matter. I was so sick of them acting like I had no life experience and so I made up a lie to create more experience than they had ever had.
I showed them exactly how I should be treated because I wasn't some stupid kid. I wasn't just adorable, innocent, freshman. I was an intellectual human being just like everyone else.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I can't stand being overlooked.
In high school, everyones credibility is judged by what year in school you are. Nobody can be smarter or more respected if they are younger than you. I always hung out with older people and that's probably why I hated being treated like my opinion didn't matter. I was so sick of them acting like I had no life experience and so I made up a lie to create more experience than they had ever had.
I showed them exactly how I should be treated because I wasn't some stupid kid. I wasn't just adorable, innocent, freshman. I was an intellectual human being just like everyone else.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I can't stand being overlooked.
The Average
Who are we here,
To tell girls they're pretty,
When in all honesty,
It's done out of pity.
When the genetic winners glower over,
And tell us fat is part of getting older.
We're pasted with skinny in every color,
But we can tell it's not okay to be other.
They scream that beauty and personality equal,
Do we even believe we can eat though?
When the biggest villain is what we see,
Through models and actors SEEN ON TV
When will we see the love in the mirror,
And stop the cliche that beauty can't be bigger,
Dream for me now,
A world of equality,
Where women aren't hated for what's on their body.
Maybe then we will see a reaction
Because there's a difference between love and attraction.
Tuesday, April 1, 2014
Poetry
AllTime Low inspired
Manage me,
I'm a mess,
Forgotten by those I rely on,
Left for the wolves in an attempt to say,
"You've got this",
Dreaming,
But they are only dreams,
Because I'm just a kid,
Manage me,
I'm alone,
Hoping to show that I'm human,
Lost in the day,
My eyes won't see,
I live in this world,
Hoping to Assimilate.
Manage me,
I'm a mess,
Help me,
I'm helpless.
Monday, March 24, 2014
Personality Tests
Last night I was very bored and decided to take a few personality tests. These were all simple and trivial and meant to be harmless. I enjoyed hearing that I was 58% right brained and 42% left brained. I also liked that I was driven by energy and creativity. This all describes me.
It wasn't until I got to the third test that I began seeing me deep flaws. I'm not talking about being too emotional or having a temper. I mean the deep gashed that tear at your personality and leave yourself feeling inadequate and wrong.
I first saw this when my main trait was "Materialistic". That was so hard to read because I always make fun of the shallow and fake. I despise the money and object driven, but there I am. I am just as bad as the big bankers that are corrupt and money hungry.
The second flaw was paranoia. I had high levels of anxiety towards other people. This makes plenty of sense. I tend to expect the worst in people and I don't really trust anyone. This is only terrifying because the website told me that I may never be able to reach my goals or have a steady relationship if I can't trust.
The last gash was attention hungry. That seems about right. I'm the self conscious type of girl that always jokes to get attention. Hearing that about myself and admitting it was really hard. I am still struggling to write this.
It made me realize that I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to reach my goals and be the person I want to be.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's all about the foundation.
It wasn't until I got to the third test that I began seeing me deep flaws. I'm not talking about being too emotional or having a temper. I mean the deep gashed that tear at your personality and leave yourself feeling inadequate and wrong.
I first saw this when my main trait was "Materialistic". That was so hard to read because I always make fun of the shallow and fake. I despise the money and object driven, but there I am. I am just as bad as the big bankers that are corrupt and money hungry.
The second flaw was paranoia. I had high levels of anxiety towards other people. This makes plenty of sense. I tend to expect the worst in people and I don't really trust anyone. This is only terrifying because the website told me that I may never be able to reach my goals or have a steady relationship if I can't trust.
The last gash was attention hungry. That seems about right. I'm the self conscious type of girl that always jokes to get attention. Hearing that about myself and admitting it was really hard. I am still struggling to write this.
It made me realize that I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to reach my goals and be the person I want to be.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's all about the foundation.
Where? Who? What?
Let's play a game dear readers. Imagine yourself in your mind. Imagine what you would ideally look like. What color would your hair be? How many piercings would you have? Any tattoos? Are you skinny, chubby, average? What look would reflect exactly who you are on the inside?
Now, from there, imagine your perfect partner. She? He? It? Are they tall? Tan? Black? White? Purple? How do they treat you in your mind? Are they kind and calm or passionate and fiery? Then think of what you want to do with this person. I don't mean a raging sex life. I mean, where do you want to live or travel? What jobs will you have?
Create the ideal form of where you are going and who you want. Isn't it blissful? Isn't it amazing to think that all of that could eventually be yours.
Now, what is standing in your way?
Now, from there, imagine your perfect partner. She? He? It? Are they tall? Tan? Black? White? Purple? How do they treat you in your mind? Are they kind and calm or passionate and fiery? Then think of what you want to do with this person. I don't mean a raging sex life. I mean, where do you want to live or travel? What jobs will you have?
Create the ideal form of where you are going and who you want. Isn't it blissful? Isn't it amazing to think that all of that could eventually be yours.
Now, what is standing in your way?
Why not?
Now, I bet you're all wondering, "Why haven't you just lost your V card already?". Well kids, I'm scared.
All through high school I found a reason to not sleep with people. Mainly because I honestly want the first time to be special and with a special person. I know it sounds a little tweenish, but I really do want to feel comfortable for the first time.
The only problem is, I just want to get it over with so I can stop lying. You know what they say about trying to keep track of all the lies. It's true. I have told so many lies that I don't really even know what's true anymore. I have deluded myself so much that I don't really know what I have and haven't done.
It's a little scary to say that you don't know yourself. That's why I just want to get this over with so I can stop lying and finally become me. But, like I said before, it kind of has to be a little special. I can't just get drunk and bang anyone. That would be too easy.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm sick of being a virgin...
All through high school I found a reason to not sleep with people. Mainly because I honestly want the first time to be special and with a special person. I know it sounds a little tweenish, but I really do want to feel comfortable for the first time.
The only problem is, I just want to get it over with so I can stop lying. You know what they say about trying to keep track of all the lies. It's true. I have told so many lies that I don't really even know what's true anymore. I have deluded myself so much that I don't really know what I have and haven't done.
It's a little scary to say that you don't know yourself. That's why I just want to get this over with so I can stop lying and finally become me. But, like I said before, it kind of has to be a little special. I can't just get drunk and bang anyone. That would be too easy.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm sick of being a virgin...
Sex and College
Well, as you might have assumed, I am currently in college. I won't say where or for what, but I will say that it's your typical, greek driven, state college. College is very big on the whole sex thing. Why? Because everyone is a fucking adult.
Going to college was a culture shock for me. After being in a close-minded small town, I was shocked to find that there were other ideas out there! Who would have guessed it? Anyways, I was pretty surprised that everyone was sexually active. Sorry to use the doctor terminology, but that's the best way to say it. Nearly everyone here has had sex and everyone that hasn't is a social enigma.
Now, I know that Seventeen magazine tries to pull the "It's okay to wait" bullshit, but that simply isn't true. It's weird here. So much for my plans to finally tell everyone that I was a virgin. So, what did I do? I faked it until I made it. Nobody here would guess that I didn't get around.
I don't have the slut status that I did in high school, but I make sure that everyone knows that I'm experienced.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm just trying to keep up.
Going to college was a culture shock for me. After being in a close-minded small town, I was shocked to find that there were other ideas out there! Who would have guessed it? Anyways, I was pretty surprised that everyone was sexually active. Sorry to use the doctor terminology, but that's the best way to say it. Nearly everyone here has had sex and everyone that hasn't is a social enigma.
Now, I know that Seventeen magazine tries to pull the "It's okay to wait" bullshit, but that simply isn't true. It's weird here. So much for my plans to finally tell everyone that I was a virgin. So, what did I do? I faked it until I made it. Nobody here would guess that I didn't get around.
I don't have the slut status that I did in high school, but I make sure that everyone knows that I'm experienced.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm just trying to keep up.
To Porn or not to Porn?
Being a female, it is strange to think of being sexual. I, personally, was taught that women don't want sex. This is so stupid because that is like saying that women don't want to feel good. Do you feel that grating against your mind? Yes, we are taught that men that want sex and jerks and that women that want sex are sluts.
This is so ridiculous because everyone should know what they want sexually. In order to have happy sexual relationships, you need to know what you want and you need to be comfortable asking for it.
This relates to Porn how? Do you like how I keep capitalizing Porn? I'm hoping your mom is looking over your shoulder. Porn relates to this idea because women are thought of as creepy of overly sexual if they watch Porn. Let's be honest, everyone watches it because we are all curious. THAT'S FINE!!! You are allowed to be curious about your and others bodies.
Even men are shamed for watching Porn. I really have nothing against Porn because it helps people find out exactly what they want. Now, I'm not saying that you should all show your young friends their first porno, but at least don't shame it so much. IT'S NORMAL!!!
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's fine to be a porn star.
This is so ridiculous because everyone should know what they want sexually. In order to have happy sexual relationships, you need to know what you want and you need to be comfortable asking for it.
This relates to Porn how? Do you like how I keep capitalizing Porn? I'm hoping your mom is looking over your shoulder. Porn relates to this idea because women are thought of as creepy of overly sexual if they watch Porn. Let's be honest, everyone watches it because we are all curious. THAT'S FINE!!! You are allowed to be curious about your and others bodies.
Even men are shamed for watching Porn. I really have nothing against Porn because it helps people find out exactly what they want. Now, I'm not saying that you should all show your young friends their first porno, but at least don't shame it so much. IT'S NORMAL!!!
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's fine to be a porn star.
Friday, March 14, 2014
Beautiful Boys
How is this fair? Why are men gorgeous without make-up or fake nails or dashing clothes? Why is it so effortless for them to look great when women are taught to try so hard??
Boys are allowed to be skinny or buff or chubby or anything and they are STILL ATTRACTIVE! How? Why? No, this isn't fair. I want to be chubby and still be attractive. I want stretch marks to be scars of beauty and not shameful.
I want girls to be able to go out without make-up without looking lazy or careless. Why can't it just be that easy? Why can't society just let everyone be who they are instead of a plastic facade? Let's change. Together. Let's just change and let everyone look however they want. Let's stop bashing on make up or hair or nails or body image or fashion. Let people be themselves.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how you've gotta let me be me.
Boys are allowed to be skinny or buff or chubby or anything and they are STILL ATTRACTIVE! How? Why? No, this isn't fair. I want to be chubby and still be attractive. I want stretch marks to be scars of beauty and not shameful.
I want girls to be able to go out without make-up without looking lazy or careless. Why can't it just be that easy? Why can't society just let everyone be who they are instead of a plastic facade? Let's change. Together. Let's just change and let everyone look however they want. Let's stop bashing on make up or hair or nails or body image or fashion. Let people be themselves.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how you've gotta let me be me.
Back to the Basics
You know the worst thing in the world? Smelling an ex's cologne.
Yeah, you guessed it. I'm one of those nostalgic people that will probably never get over half of her ex's. It really sucks because you will never know if you truly have feeling for these people or if you are just remembering how much fun you had.
So, this topic came up because I smelled it. Strong, clear and piercing. Jake's cologne. Now, I won't pretend that Jake hasn't treated me like shit. He completely has. I also won't say that I'm over Jake.
He's honestly a weakness. I got used to calling him when I was drunk and now every time I'm drunk I just want to talk to him. How pathetic is that? He is such an asshole, but I can't get over him that easily.
The cologne didn't help either. Every good memory of Jake was suddenly brought to the front of my memory and now I can't get him out of my mind.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I will probably never be over Jake.
Yeah, you guessed it. I'm one of those nostalgic people that will probably never get over half of her ex's. It really sucks because you will never know if you truly have feeling for these people or if you are just remembering how much fun you had.
So, this topic came up because I smelled it. Strong, clear and piercing. Jake's cologne. Now, I won't pretend that Jake hasn't treated me like shit. He completely has. I also won't say that I'm over Jake.
He's honestly a weakness. I got used to calling him when I was drunk and now every time I'm drunk I just want to talk to him. How pathetic is that? He is such an asshole, but I can't get over him that easily.
The cologne didn't help either. Every good memory of Jake was suddenly brought to the front of my memory and now I can't get him out of my mind.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I will probably never be over Jake.
Swearing like a lady
Fuck. That is one of my all time favorite words. I just love it. Staccato and vicious and completely out of the blue, fuck.
I think that swearing is one of the best ways to explain to someone who you are. That's not to say that people should judge on how much someone swears. I think that the creativity involved with swearing is what really defines someone. Anyone can call you a mother-fucker, but if someone calls you an exploding bowl of dildos, you know those people are special little nuggets.
And, hot damn, I just LOVE when people say swearing isn't lady-like. Fucking good! I hate being treated like a fragile, helpless lady. I will swear like a fucking sir if I have to!
I like swearing and that doesn't make me a bad person.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'll fucking do what I want.
I think that swearing is one of the best ways to explain to someone who you are. That's not to say that people should judge on how much someone swears. I think that the creativity involved with swearing is what really defines someone. Anyone can call you a mother-fucker, but if someone calls you an exploding bowl of dildos, you know those people are special little nuggets.
And, hot damn, I just LOVE when people say swearing isn't lady-like. Fucking good! I hate being treated like a fragile, helpless lady. I will swear like a fucking sir if I have to!
I like swearing and that doesn't make me a bad person.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'll fucking do what I want.
What Inspires you?
When learning about greek philosophy, you start wondering things about yourself that you never normally think of. What is happiness? What is success? How can you attain these things?
To me, happiness is the ability to explain myself in a way that would make my role models proud. For instance, if I was doing something extra-ordinary or difficult, I am happy because I can tell my role models about that and they are impressed. To clarify, I don't live to impress people. I just find the most satisfaction when my loved ones are happy for me.
What is success? I would say that success is any accomplishment that will lead to happiness. The biggest success for me would be the ability to inspire people on a grand scale. Writing a best selling book, starting a successful band, ect.
How can I attain these things? I really don't think that college is the answer. I think the best way to attain these goals would be going out and talking. Talking to influential people or creative people. Talking is one of the best ways to gain unique knowledge.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my mind has been blown.
The Problem with Celebrities
You can ask about any girl, "What is your celebrity crush?". She will have a name, their date of birth, their affiliations, and their social security number.
The problem with celebrities is the fact that they are insanely attractive/amazing and they are almost completely unattainable. With the situation the way it is, a normal human will never make an impression on their celebrity crush. Even if you meet this person, you have about a 0% chance of them remembering you. Think of all of the fans these people see everyday. One person just isn't that special.
That's really tragic, if you think about it. People can become so obsessed with someone that they are really only setting themselves up for failure. Sure, there are some random cases when people date/marry their celebrity crushes, but it's rare.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I just want to marry Alex Gaskarth...
Friday, February 28, 2014
It's a hard nuff life
I'm not going to pretend for a second to be the inspired feminist. I do think that ladies are treated like objects a lot and I do think there is a lot of inequality, but I'm not a dick chopping bitch.
Let me just line out exactly how much it sucks to try to meet society's standards.
Tanning for a month: $40.00
Foundation: $10.00
Lipstick of every damn color in the world: $10.00/month
Mascara: $10.00 per tube
Fun Eyeliner: $5.00/month
Highlights: $60.00/month
All over dye: $60.00
Clothes: Insane amounts
Jewlery: God, I don't even want to talk about it
Nails: $50.00/2 weeks
Diet Pills: $60.00/month
Extensions: $180.00
It's hard to be society's version of perfect and honestly, it's too expensive.
Let me just line out exactly how much it sucks to try to meet society's standards.
Tanning for a month: $40.00
Foundation: $10.00
Lipstick of every damn color in the world: $10.00/month
Mascara: $10.00 per tube
Fun Eyeliner: $5.00/month
Highlights: $60.00/month
All over dye: $60.00
Clothes: Insane amounts
Jewlery: God, I don't even want to talk about it
Nails: $50.00/2 weeks
Diet Pills: $60.00/month
Extensions: $180.00
It's hard to be society's version of perfect and honestly, it's too expensive.
Women.jpg
Clever huh? Yeah, that's right kids, we are going to talk about the image of women.
Weight is such a bullshit concept. Do you know why? Well, because we are really all going to die. Sorry to be Miss Realistic, but we are literally all going to die. So, what is the point of health food drinks and salad? We are all going to die and drinking that nasty shit is really just prolonging your life a little bit.
In all honesty, why do any of us want to live longer anyway? If we live until ninety, we will just live long enough to see all of our friends die and probably our significant others. We will also most likely be living in a nursing home where the staff is just hoping to get home so they can hug their children and make them promise to kill them before they also get that old. Yeah, in all reality, health food drinks just make you shit your pants for a few years before death instead of dying at the ripe old age of 70 or 80 in your house eating all the ice cream Ben and Jerry can make.
Why are young girls treating their bodies like shit just because we are told that bone skinny is attractive? No, healthy is attractive. Even then, girls shouldn't have to stress and change their bodies to be appealing. Young men shouldn't have to lift weights everyday to find someone to love either. If everyone wasn't such a shallow prick about appearance then we might all be able to relax and be ourselves.
No more dieting. You look fine. Everything in moderation. Don't spend 90$ on miracle skinny pills.
Weight is such a bullshit concept. Do you know why? Well, because we are really all going to die. Sorry to be Miss Realistic, but we are literally all going to die. So, what is the point of health food drinks and salad? We are all going to die and drinking that nasty shit is really just prolonging your life a little bit.
In all honesty, why do any of us want to live longer anyway? If we live until ninety, we will just live long enough to see all of our friends die and probably our significant others. We will also most likely be living in a nursing home where the staff is just hoping to get home so they can hug their children and make them promise to kill them before they also get that old. Yeah, in all reality, health food drinks just make you shit your pants for a few years before death instead of dying at the ripe old age of 70 or 80 in your house eating all the ice cream Ben and Jerry can make.
Why are young girls treating their bodies like shit just because we are told that bone skinny is attractive? No, healthy is attractive. Even then, girls shouldn't have to stress and change their bodies to be appealing. Young men shouldn't have to lift weights everyday to find someone to love either. If everyone wasn't such a shallow prick about appearance then we might all be able to relax and be ourselves.
No more dieting. You look fine. Everything in moderation. Don't spend 90$ on miracle skinny pills.
Boobs...
Please, don't call boobs, breasts. I am not a mom yet. I have tits, titties, and boobs. Not breasts. I don't even have those saggy sad things yet. If another human has not been nourished from my teet, then they are NOT BREASTS!
I don't know why I hate that word so much. Maybe because people are trying to be polite while talking about boobs. If you are talking about my tits, the train to polite already left. That's like me calling balls, testicles. Yeah, because that's what the doctor calls them. Not normal humans.
If you are going to talk about these wonderful sacks of jello, then please just call them something adorable like boobs because I really don't like the idea of mom breasts sagging from my weighted chest. Nope, nope, nope, big bowl of nope.
Rant over.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how they're just damn tits!
I don't know why I hate that word so much. Maybe because people are trying to be polite while talking about boobs. If you are talking about my tits, the train to polite already left. That's like me calling balls, testicles. Yeah, because that's what the doctor calls them. Not normal humans.
If you are going to talk about these wonderful sacks of jello, then please just call them something adorable like boobs because I really don't like the idea of mom breasts sagging from my weighted chest. Nope, nope, nope, big bowl of nope.
Rant over.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how they're just damn tits!
I should have just listened to my mom...
You know how moms always give you generic advice? That advice that makes your soul shrivel and you wonder how your mom made it this far in life. Words like "I'm rubber, you're glue. Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you". Jesus mom, did you just sit in a corner through high school?
As it happens, mom was right. Most of the advice she gave, was the advice I could have used. I should have worn whatever clothes I wanted. I would have had more confidence through school and I probably would have been happier. However, I can't go back. So, moral of the story, wear those leather leggings. Color your hair blue. Dance in the parking lot. Wear glitter all over your face because, god damn it, you're a fucking diamond.
Sorry to get all nostalgic, but it's true. I should have just listened when my mom said that he was a loser and that I could do better.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how mother knows best.
As it happens, mom was right. Most of the advice she gave, was the advice I could have used. I should have worn whatever clothes I wanted. I would have had more confidence through school and I probably would have been happier. However, I can't go back. So, moral of the story, wear those leather leggings. Color your hair blue. Dance in the parking lot. Wear glitter all over your face because, god damn it, you're a fucking diamond.
Sorry to get all nostalgic, but it's true. I should have just listened when my mom said that he was a loser and that I could do better.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how mother knows best.
Relationships
I know, I know. Nobody wants to hear the sob story about how I have trust issues and how I'm emotionally unavailable. Well, too damn bad. This is my blog and I just feel like explaining some things.
First of all, I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a month. This of course doesn't include flings or long distance because, let's be real, those shouldn't count for anything anyways. Flings were just a nice way of saying "I want to bang you, but I won't brag about it". And, real talk, long distance relationships are a joke. I've been in college long enough to know that an open relationship and a long distance relationship are synonymous. Every boy cheats on their long distance lady. Isn't that nice though? I just love seeing that love isn't real.
Anyways, one of the reasons that I didn't really date in high school, was the fact that I had the self confidence of a potato. This totally makes sense due to the fact that I was convinced that I was a genetic abnormality. I also had an older brother that was bros with all of the boys in my grade. So, all of the cute boys treated me like I was their little sister. Cute, adorable, and completely undatable.
Being completely honest, I would have loved to date half of those boys. I was so convinced that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Only now do I know that some of those guys actually liked me. Turns out what I lacked in confidence, I made up for in being oblivious.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how Tucker wanted to touch my boobs all along.
First of all, I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a month. This of course doesn't include flings or long distance because, let's be real, those shouldn't count for anything anyways. Flings were just a nice way of saying "I want to bang you, but I won't brag about it". And, real talk, long distance relationships are a joke. I've been in college long enough to know that an open relationship and a long distance relationship are synonymous. Every boy cheats on their long distance lady. Isn't that nice though? I just love seeing that love isn't real.
Anyways, one of the reasons that I didn't really date in high school, was the fact that I had the self confidence of a potato. This totally makes sense due to the fact that I was convinced that I was a genetic abnormality. I also had an older brother that was bros with all of the boys in my grade. So, all of the cute boys treated me like I was their little sister. Cute, adorable, and completely undatable.
Being completely honest, I would have loved to date half of those boys. I was so convinced that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Only now do I know that some of those guys actually liked me. Turns out what I lacked in confidence, I made up for in being oblivious.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how Tucker wanted to touch my boobs all along.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
God damn my mom
Eventually,
every girl has to talk to their mom, or mother figure, about their body. Every mom has this weird fascination with when I got my period. Seriously? Why does it matter if I'm buying my own tampons?
The lady talks with my mom were never satisfactory and normally involved being very evasive and awkward. I didn't want to talk about it and to this day I just joke it off. I would never be able to tell my mom about my insecurities and I think that really bothers her.
What is it about the mother-daughter relationship that is intimately locked with the vagina? I mean this baffles me because I don't really care what another vagina does. They have free reign and if they fuck it up, so to speak, then I will drive them to the clinic, but I will not ask questions.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and my mother's obsession with my lady bits.
every girl has to talk to their mom, or mother figure, about their body. Every mom has this weird fascination with when I got my period. Seriously? Why does it matter if I'm buying my own tampons?
The lady talks with my mom were never satisfactory and normally involved being very evasive and awkward. I didn't want to talk about it and to this day I just joke it off. I would never be able to tell my mom about my insecurities and I think that really bothers her.
What is it about the mother-daughter relationship that is intimately locked with the vagina? I mean this baffles me because I don't really care what another vagina does. They have free reign and if they fuck it up, so to speak, then I will drive them to the clinic, but I will not ask questions.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and my mother's obsession with my lady bits.
Friends with Benefits
Hey there!
So, let's continue our sexually eccentric epic with the topic of friends with benefits. I'm sure you've all heard of these great "friends", but in all reality my friend was way more than that. It all started when I was at a student council retreat and I not only ranted, but yelled at this poor boy. He pushed me over the edge of angry and I HATED him.
A few months later, I was shocked when I saw that he had sent me a message on Facebook. The apology was thorough and seemed sincere. I was really shocked by his emotion and that's how it started. A simple Facebook message that blossomed into the most intimate relationship I've ever had.
Let's be real here. We never dated. I didn't really want to be seen with a freshman and he didn't complain. Our "relationship" stuck to illicit meetings, late at night, in my car. I actually did really enjoy being around this guy, he just wasn't boyfriend material and I didn't mind.
I did things with him that I had never done with anyone. It was nice because I knew that we weren't dating and I never actually had to worry about him being happy. I think that's why things actually worked for a while.
This is completely true story of my virginity and how friends don't let friends finger themselves.
So, let's continue our sexually eccentric epic with the topic of friends with benefits. I'm sure you've all heard of these great "friends", but in all reality my friend was way more than that. It all started when I was at a student council retreat and I not only ranted, but yelled at this poor boy. He pushed me over the edge of angry and I HATED him.
A few months later, I was shocked when I saw that he had sent me a message on Facebook. The apology was thorough and seemed sincere. I was really shocked by his emotion and that's how it started. A simple Facebook message that blossomed into the most intimate relationship I've ever had.
Let's be real here. We never dated. I didn't really want to be seen with a freshman and he didn't complain. Our "relationship" stuck to illicit meetings, late at night, in my car. I actually did really enjoy being around this guy, he just wasn't boyfriend material and I didn't mind.
I did things with him that I had never done with anyone. It was nice because I knew that we weren't dating and I never actually had to worry about him being happy. I think that's why things actually worked for a while.
This is completely true story of my virginity and how friends don't let friends finger themselves.
Recap
Hey darlings,
So, I realized that if you are scrolling through this lovely blog, you don't find out the whole story chronologically. The conclusion is at the top and the beginning is at the bottom.
That being said, I have decided to do a quick recap of everything we have learned.
1- From a very young age, I was convinced that I was not a woman.
2- To cover up my abnormality, I faked losing my virginity.
3- I got really good at lying and became the school slut.
4- Turns out my lady bits are completely normal.
5- My life is a damn lie.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my life can be summed up in 5 bullet points.
So, I realized that if you are scrolling through this lovely blog, you don't find out the whole story chronologically. The conclusion is at the top and the beginning is at the bottom.
That being said, I have decided to do a quick recap of everything we have learned.
1- From a very young age, I was convinced that I was not a woman.
2- To cover up my abnormality, I faked losing my virginity.
3- I got really good at lying and became the school slut.
4- Turns out my lady bits are completely normal.
5- My life is a damn lie.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my life can be summed up in 5 bullet points.
The Swabs
Hey there kids!
You know what's scary as hell? That lady that sticks her fingers all up in your dirty bits and tells you you're normal. That's right kiddos, it's time to talk about the lady doctor.
Let's jump to my senior year. I was in a downward spiral when it came to my social life. Turns out, people don't want to hang out with acclaimed alcoholics and sex addicts. The things I do for fame. Through all of my pretending, I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't completely normal.
So, it came time for my first lady doctor visit and I was TERRIFIED. I'm talking sweating bullets, tapping feet, and praying to every god out there that I would be normal.
Of course, the second I made it into the office, I was told that everything was fine. Nothing to report, nothing strange.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how relief had never been sweeter.
You know what's scary as hell? That lady that sticks her fingers all up in your dirty bits and tells you you're normal. That's right kiddos, it's time to talk about the lady doctor.
Let's jump to my senior year. I was in a downward spiral when it came to my social life. Turns out, people don't want to hang out with acclaimed alcoholics and sex addicts. The things I do for fame. Through all of my pretending, I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't completely normal.
So, it came time for my first lady doctor visit and I was TERRIFIED. I'm talking sweating bullets, tapping feet, and praying to every god out there that I would be normal.
Of course, the second I made it into the office, I was told that everything was fine. Nothing to report, nothing strange.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how relief had never been sweeter.
Back to the Dirty Bits
Hey readers,
you know how strippers always have daddy issues? Well, fake sluts have this syndrome that I like to call the "never-have-I-ever" syndrome. Everyone has played the game never-have-I-ever and we all know that one person in the group that puts their finger down for EVERYTHING. These are either extremely rebellious people, or the fake sluts.
Now, being a fake slut for half of my life has taught me how to fake it, and no I don't mean orgasms. I literally can fake almost anything. "Never have I ever done cocaine." Well, fake me sure has and this is what it feels like according to police reports and online statistics. The only thing to remember in being a fake slut is to stay around kind-of-innocent people. The less they know, the more you can pretend.
Does this make me a liar? Of fucking course. Do I regret it, probably. Can I stop. Absolutely not.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how nobody knows my true identity.
you know how strippers always have daddy issues? Well, fake sluts have this syndrome that I like to call the "never-have-I-ever" syndrome. Everyone has played the game never-have-I-ever and we all know that one person in the group that puts their finger down for EVERYTHING. These are either extremely rebellious people, or the fake sluts.
Now, being a fake slut for half of my life has taught me how to fake it, and no I don't mean orgasms. I literally can fake almost anything. "Never have I ever done cocaine." Well, fake me sure has and this is what it feels like according to police reports and online statistics. The only thing to remember in being a fake slut is to stay around kind-of-innocent people. The less they know, the more you can pretend.
Does this make me a liar? Of fucking course. Do I regret it, probably. Can I stop. Absolutely not.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how nobody knows my true identity.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Slut-shaming vs. sluts
Okay let's have some real talk for a second. There is no such thing as a slut.
Every girl will always have a reason for her sexuality and appearance is no excuse for slut shaming.
Everyone is quick to point the finger at Miley Cyrus, but how would you act if the love of your life was suddenly not interested? Change is hard and being in the spotlight makes things worse.
Miley wouldn't have gossip swirling about her if she didn't have access to award shows and cameras.
She isn't a slut, she just doesn't know how to express her pain. She is trying to show Liam how hurt she is.
Tangent
Let's talk about religion for a second. Nothing bothers me more than Jesus freaks.
Let's be honest. Organized religion started as a way to stop people from dying. Jews don't eat pigs due to disease. The first temples were grain silos. And sacrificing animals was only allowed when the animal would be shared with the whole village.
Why would something so simple become a reason to kill people? How is the excuse of love make hate justifiable? Right?! Fucking right?!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Brett
Disclaimer- I refuse to change names in my own blog. I promised to tell the truth and that's what you're going to get. Brett, I am sincerely sorry if you ever read this. But this is my story and I'm telling it.
I met Brett my freshman year. He was a year older than me and he and my brother had been friends in middle school. My brother claimed that Brett had become a drug addict, I simply think that Brett learned how to lie just like I had.
I could tell that Brett liked me, but I decided to have some self respect for once and let him work for me.
After about a year of lunch dates and free rides home. I agreed to be his girlfriend. I was smitten and he was a liar.
I won't pretend for a minute that I'm bitter about our "relationship" because I'm not. We've both moved on and this was only high school. However, Brett singlehandedly threw my reputation into the inferno.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how, contrary to popular belief, I did not give Brett a rimjob.
So now what?
Well, as you can guess, my lie spread through my small school like wildfire.
Two things always happen when you are a social pariah: 1- Girls, to your face, pretend they haven't heard (they all have). 2- Guys want to be your "friend".
The worst part about this whole lie was that I HAD to play the part. There was no "just kidding". No going back.
Everyone had heard and I just went along for the ride...
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how you can't trust anyone, not even yourself...
Friday, January 31, 2014
So there it is...
That's it, that's what changed my life and my reputation. One extremely awkward conversation in the back of my friend's car.
Of course the virginity taker in question was a real person, but I had only gone on one date with him and I would most likely never see him again. He lived in another town and none if my friends would ever know him.
This conversation was the best bullshit I have ever concocted to this day.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I would never sleep with skylar in real life.
I could write a dam research paper
Sexual bullshitters are a glorious breed. We're the tumblr whores and theater fags of the world. By this, I mean that we write fan fictions that would ruin your underwear collection. It's an art.
From this talent,we get the beginning of my lie.
I researched this. I read adult novels for weeks to prepare myself for the beginning of this lie.
The lie of how I" lost my virginity".
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my friends have way too many questions.
High school never ends
Welcome back kids!
You all missed me huh? Well surprise, surprise, I missed you too! You know what I don't miss? High school.
It's no joke when kids say that peer pressure is a real thing. Everyone knows that not even the fear of the gods can over ride peer pressure. Hashtag drinking, hashtag meth, hashtag sex.
I was always in the "bad" crowd of kids because, in my town, you were either Mormon or you were a rebel. I've never been the religious type so rebel/school slut was the best option. Keep in mind, I was called the school slut while I was still A VIRGIN. Yeah, let that sink in kids.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and whether or not Mormon kids know what sex is.
-M
You all missed me huh? Well surprise, surprise, I missed you too! You know what I don't miss? High school.
It's no joke when kids say that peer pressure is a real thing. Everyone knows that not even the fear of the gods can over ride peer pressure. Hashtag drinking, hashtag meth, hashtag sex.
I was always in the "bad" crowd of kids because, in my town, you were either Mormon or you were a rebel. I've never been the religious type so rebel/school slut was the best option. Keep in mind, I was called the school slut while I was still A VIRGIN. Yeah, let that sink in kids.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and whether or not Mormon kids know what sex is.
-M
Thursday, January 23, 2014
Freshman Year and the Boy that can go to Hell
With the graduation of middle school comes a whole new idea, dating.
No one knows what "going out" means and I have never gone anywhere with any of those boys and I still don't know what the fuck we were talking about. All I knew at the start of freshman year, was that I was kind of not ugly and had grown at least A cup sized boobs. Bombshell right?
Well apparently I had some sort of allure because, at a basketball game in late November, I met the boy of my dreams. Band geek, tan, curly fro, and abs. His name was Vinny and he was a stereotypical Mormon "bad boy". Sometimes he even texted while he drove his parent's car. At this time, I never thought that a boy like Vinny would ever like me. I mean, if middle school was any indication, then I was dead ugly. He didn't seem to think so and we began to "date".
This was the first texting/long-distance boyfriend I'd ever had. He even used plenty of smiley faces in our conversations. The only thing holding us back was my 100 per month texting plan and the fact that I couldn't drive yet.
Vinny was even the first guy to ask for a "dirty" picture... Oh, don't be alarmed. He asked for a picture of me in a "tight" shirt. Freshman me was mortified. What if my parents caught me in this tight shirt that happened to read "dork-a-saurus"??? They would be so disappointed.
This was actually the first semi-sexual act EVER. It was an adrenaline rush and I loved it.
This is the story of my virginity and how Vinny had another girlfriend the whole time.
-M
No one knows what "going out" means and I have never gone anywhere with any of those boys and I still don't know what the fuck we were talking about. All I knew at the start of freshman year, was that I was kind of not ugly and had grown at least A cup sized boobs. Bombshell right?
Well apparently I had some sort of allure because, at a basketball game in late November, I met the boy of my dreams. Band geek, tan, curly fro, and abs. His name was Vinny and he was a stereotypical Mormon "bad boy". Sometimes he even texted while he drove his parent's car. At this time, I never thought that a boy like Vinny would ever like me. I mean, if middle school was any indication, then I was dead ugly. He didn't seem to think so and we began to "date".
This was the first texting/long-distance boyfriend I'd ever had. He even used plenty of smiley faces in our conversations. The only thing holding us back was my 100 per month texting plan and the fact that I couldn't drive yet.
Vinny was even the first guy to ask for a "dirty" picture... Oh, don't be alarmed. He asked for a picture of me in a "tight" shirt. Freshman me was mortified. What if my parents caught me in this tight shirt that happened to read "dork-a-saurus"??? They would be so disappointed.
This was actually the first semi-sexual act EVER. It was an adrenaline rush and I loved it.
This is the story of my virginity and how Vinny had another girlfriend the whole time.
-M
Everyone in Middle School is a Filthy Ass Liar
We now return to the previously scheduled program of "religious kids+sexual facts= complete bullshit".
8th grade was an interesting time. This was the time when everyone is growing and producing hormones that fuel rage and lust. Apparently, puberty also activates the bullshit gene.
In 8th grade, everyone was simply trying to fit in and the best way to do that: ACT GROWN UP. I don't mean getting a job or driving a car... Psh! Fuck that noise. No, I mean that everyone starts talking like they know every fact that has ever existed. When I say fact, I mean guess. Every boy guessed what a blow job actually meant and some even researched it. Nobody actually knew what any of this sexual stuff was, but we sure did pretend like we did.
For example, all of the girls that had "become women" started telling all of us young-ins what it was really like in bloody, gory detail. You would think that a roman goddess had come down from the sky and sent demons into their woohas. I, personally, was terrified. I also took this time to freak the fuck out because guess who has always been a late bloomer? Me.
In this whole guesstimation era, people also started calling each other "gay", "jews" and of course "he-shes". They were all clearly on to me....
Tune in next time for more adolescent paranoia....
This is the story of my virginity and how mormon kids can't fake shit.
-M
8th grade was an interesting time. This was the time when everyone is growing and producing hormones that fuel rage and lust. Apparently, puberty also activates the bullshit gene.
In 8th grade, everyone was simply trying to fit in and the best way to do that: ACT GROWN UP. I don't mean getting a job or driving a car... Psh! Fuck that noise. No, I mean that everyone starts talking like they know every fact that has ever existed. When I say fact, I mean guess. Every boy guessed what a blow job actually meant and some even researched it. Nobody actually knew what any of this sexual stuff was, but we sure did pretend like we did.
For example, all of the girls that had "become women" started telling all of us young-ins what it was really like in bloody, gory detail. You would think that a roman goddess had come down from the sky and sent demons into their woohas. I, personally, was terrified. I also took this time to freak the fuck out because guess who has always been a late bloomer? Me.
In this whole guesstimation era, people also started calling each other "gay", "jews" and of course "he-shes". They were all clearly on to me....
Tune in next time for more adolescent paranoia....
This is the story of my virginity and how mormon kids can't fake shit.
-M
TV Shows Can't Lie
Welcome back! If you are just beginning this magical journey at is my blog, buckle up fuckers, you're in for a ride.
We left off in the last post by saying that I literally believed that I had a genetic disorder all because colossal tampons and 4th graders don't mix. Now, you may be wondering "how did you believe that for so long?" Well... middle school me was gullible...
Did you know that there is an episode of Grey's Anatomy when they talk about a baby that was born with no sexes? Do you know what that sounds like when a 7th grader is hearing it? Yeah, laugh again guys, middle school me thought that I needed surgery to fix my shit....
Ugh, this is the part where I pray to the African tree frog that NO ONE reads my blog. After watching that fateful episode of Grey's Anatomy, I went home crying because I needed to get a job soon so that I could save up enough money for a plastic surgeon. I even planned to move far away after high school so that I could get this corrective surgery without my parents finding out that they had birthed a freak.
This belief was fueled by the chapter in my biology textbook that talked about the genetic disorder known as XXY... My science teacher even talked about the possibility of being born with NO SEXUAL TRAITS. Fuck guys! Seriously, I am either the epitome of gullible or the gods were hard core fucking with me.
This is the story of my virginity and my undying trust of Grey's Anatomy...
-M
We left off in the last post by saying that I literally believed that I had a genetic disorder all because colossal tampons and 4th graders don't mix. Now, you may be wondering "how did you believe that for so long?" Well... middle school me was gullible...
Did you know that there is an episode of Grey's Anatomy when they talk about a baby that was born with no sexes? Do you know what that sounds like when a 7th grader is hearing it? Yeah, laugh again guys, middle school me thought that I needed surgery to fix my shit....
Ugh, this is the part where I pray to the African tree frog that NO ONE reads my blog. After watching that fateful episode of Grey's Anatomy, I went home crying because I needed to get a job soon so that I could save up enough money for a plastic surgeon. I even planned to move far away after high school so that I could get this corrective surgery without my parents finding out that they had birthed a freak.
This belief was fueled by the chapter in my biology textbook that talked about the genetic disorder known as XXY... My science teacher even talked about the possibility of being born with NO SEXUAL TRAITS. Fuck guys! Seriously, I am either the epitome of gullible or the gods were hard core fucking with me.
This is the story of my virginity and my undying trust of Grey's Anatomy...
-M
Monday, January 20, 2014
All because of a health class..
Welcome back dear readers. I hope you're ready to begin my story.
Just like every other story of delusion, mine starts in elementary school. I was in the 4th grade and I remember the day too well. Does everyone recall that magical lesson that every 4th grader learns? The obvious lesson that starts us all on the path of self discovery? That's right, I'm talking about the puberty talk.
Keep in mind dear readers, most of the U.S. is taught abstinence-only education. In my little town, however, we are never even taught that sex exists. We only learn what we can deduce from late night, adult cartoons and covert internet searches. The lack of knowledge also extends to the puberty talk.
The talk began a little like this: "I know this is a little scary, but someday soon your bodies will be changing." Of course, 4th grade me was only hoping that I would get attractive soon. I was very disappointed to hear that this "change" meant Niagara Falls pouring from me while I try to hide my pain, and the stained underwear, from the rest of the world.
The talk was uncomfortable and, of course, generally bullshit. All of the girls were given a "sanitary napkin", which really could have been a dinner napkin for all we knew, and a GIANT tampon. Just like that, we were sent back to our classrooms to be bombarded with questions from the boys about what we had just learned. With our heads held high and our backpacks now armed with feminine products we all left school curious and terrified.
Now imagine young me sitting in my bathroom staring at this mammoth tampon. Being young and naive and too scared to find a hand mirror, you kind of just have to guess and lets be blunt by saying I had no fucking clue.
As a 4th grader who can't find her own feminine parts, she just assumes they aren't there. Yes. Laugh all you want. I believed for years that I was just a-sexual or something.
Now, that is the beginning of the story of my virginity and whether or not it exists.
-M
Just like every other story of delusion, mine starts in elementary school. I was in the 4th grade and I remember the day too well. Does everyone recall that magical lesson that every 4th grader learns? The obvious lesson that starts us all on the path of self discovery? That's right, I'm talking about the puberty talk.
Keep in mind dear readers, most of the U.S. is taught abstinence-only education. In my little town, however, we are never even taught that sex exists. We only learn what we can deduce from late night, adult cartoons and covert internet searches. The lack of knowledge also extends to the puberty talk.
The talk began a little like this: "I know this is a little scary, but someday soon your bodies will be changing." Of course, 4th grade me was only hoping that I would get attractive soon. I was very disappointed to hear that this "change" meant Niagara Falls pouring from me while I try to hide my pain, and the stained underwear, from the rest of the world.
The talk was uncomfortable and, of course, generally bullshit. All of the girls were given a "sanitary napkin", which really could have been a dinner napkin for all we knew, and a GIANT tampon. Just like that, we were sent back to our classrooms to be bombarded with questions from the boys about what we had just learned. With our heads held high and our backpacks now armed with feminine products we all left school curious and terrified.
Now imagine young me sitting in my bathroom staring at this mammoth tampon. Being young and naive and too scared to find a hand mirror, you kind of just have to guess and lets be blunt by saying I had no fucking clue.
As a 4th grader who can't find her own feminine parts, she just assumes they aren't there. Yes. Laugh all you want. I believed for years that I was just a-sexual or something.
Now, that is the beginning of the story of my virginity and whether or not it exists.
-M
Thursday, January 16, 2014
Well isn't that an Interesting Title?
Let me start out by saying curiosity killed the cat, but it also may be the only thing keeping this blog alive.
Something you should know: I don't lead a very honest life. This doesn't mean that I never tell the truth. Of course I tell the truth. I am not driven or creative enough to constantly spout bullshit. What I mean to say is I create the world around me in the way that I chose.
My honestly, or lack thereof, is what really starts this whole story. It will be a ride, a roller coaster really. Keep in mind, the story doesn't currently have and end and, at the rate I'm going, the end may never exist.
Another thing to remember, I am not here to be judged (I don't even think anyone is reading this), and I'm not here to get advice. I am only looking to fill a requirement for my english class and finally get the truth out.
So, read along if you would like. Maybe even add a comment so I know you are there. I hope you enjoy the clusterfuck that is my sex life.
Now, without further ado, this is the completely true story of my virginity and whether or not it really exists.
- M
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