Personality Tests

Last night I was very bored and decided to take a few personality tests. These were all simple and trivial and meant to be harmless. I enjoyed hearing that I was 58% right brained and 42% left brained. I also liked that I was driven by energy and creativity. This all describes me.

It wasn't until I got to the third test that I began seeing me deep flaws. I'm not talking about being too emotional or having a temper. I mean the deep gashed that tear at your personality and leave yourself feeling inadequate and wrong.

I first saw this when my main trait was "Materialistic". That was so hard to read because I always make fun of the shallow and fake. I despise the money and object driven, but there I am. I am just as bad as the big bankers that are corrupt and money hungry.

The second flaw was paranoia. I had high levels of anxiety towards other people. This makes plenty of sense. I tend to expect the worst in people and I don't really trust anyone. This is only terrifying because the website told me that I may never be able to reach my goals or have a steady relationship if I can't trust.

The last gash was attention hungry. That seems about right. I'm the self conscious type of girl that always jokes to get attention. Hearing that about myself and admitting it was really hard. I am still struggling to write this.

It made me realize that I'm not perfect and I have a lot of work to do if I'm going to reach my goals and be the person I want to be.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's all about the foundation.

Where? Who? What?

Let's play a game dear readers. Imagine yourself in your mind. Imagine what you would ideally look like. What color would your hair be? How many piercings would you have? Any tattoos? Are you skinny, chubby, average? What look would reflect exactly who you are on the inside?

Now, from there, imagine your perfect partner. She? He? It? Are they tall? Tan? Black? White? Purple? How do they treat you in your mind? Are they kind and calm or passionate and fiery? Then think of what you want to do with this person. I don't mean a raging sex life. I mean, where do you want to live or travel? What jobs will you have?

Create the ideal form of where you are going and who you want. Isn't it blissful? Isn't it amazing to think that all of that could eventually be yours.

Now, what is standing in your way?

Why not?

Now, I bet you're all wondering, "Why haven't you just lost your V card already?". Well kids, I'm scared.

All through high school I found a reason to not sleep with people. Mainly because I honestly want the first time to be special and with a special person. I know it sounds a little tweenish, but I really do want to feel comfortable for the first time.

The only problem is, I just want to get it over with so I can stop lying. You know what they say about trying to keep track of all the lies. It's true. I have told so many lies that I don't really even know what's true anymore. I have deluded myself so much that I don't really know what I have and haven't done.

It's a little scary to say that you don't know yourself. That's why I just want to get this over with so I can stop lying and finally become me. But, like I said before, it kind of has to be a little special. I can't just get drunk and bang anyone. That would be too easy.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm sick of being a virgin...

Sex and College

Well, as you might have assumed, I am currently in college. I won't say where or for what, but I will say that it's your typical, greek driven, state college. College is very big on the whole sex thing. Why? Because everyone is a fucking adult.

Going to college was a culture shock for me. After being in a close-minded small town, I was shocked to find that there were other ideas out there! Who would have guessed it? Anyways, I was pretty surprised that everyone was sexually active. Sorry to use the doctor terminology, but that's the best way to say it. Nearly everyone here has had sex and everyone that hasn't is a social enigma.

Now, I know that Seventeen magazine tries to pull the "It's okay to wait" bullshit, but that simply isn't true. It's weird here. So much for my plans to finally tell everyone that I was a virgin. So, what did I do? I faked it until I made it. Nobody here would guess that I didn't get around.

I don't have the slut status that I did in high school, but I make sure that everyone knows that I'm experienced.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'm just trying to keep up.

To Porn or not to Porn?

Being a female, it is strange to think of being sexual. I, personally, was taught that women don't want sex. This is so stupid because that is like saying that women don't want to feel good. Do you feel that grating against your mind? Yes, we are taught that men that want sex and jerks and that women that want sex are sluts.

This is so ridiculous because everyone should know what they want sexually. In order to have happy sexual relationships, you need to know what you want and you need to be comfortable asking for it.

This relates to Porn how? Do you like how I keep capitalizing Porn? I'm hoping your mom is looking over your shoulder. Porn relates to this idea because women are thought of as creepy of overly sexual if they watch Porn. Let's be honest, everyone watches it because we are all curious. THAT'S FINE!!! You are allowed to be curious about your and others bodies.

Even men are shamed for watching Porn. I really have nothing against Porn because it helps people find out exactly what they want. Now, I'm not saying that you should all show your young friends their first porno, but at least don't shame it so much. IT'S NORMAL!!!

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how it's fine to be a porn star.

Beautiful Boys

How is this fair? Why are men gorgeous without make-up or fake nails or dashing clothes? Why is it so effortless for them to look great when women are taught to try so hard??

Boys are allowed to be skinny or buff or chubby or anything and they are STILL ATTRACTIVE! How? Why? No, this isn't fair. I want to be chubby and still be attractive. I want stretch marks to be scars of beauty and not shameful.

I want girls to be able to go out without make-up without looking lazy or careless. Why can't it just be that easy? Why can't society just let everyone be who they are instead of a plastic facade? Let's change. Together. Let's just change and let everyone look however they want. Let's stop bashing on make up or hair or nails or body image or fashion. Let people be themselves.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how you've gotta let me be me.

Back to the Basics

You know the worst thing in the world? Smelling an ex's cologne.

Yeah, you guessed it. I'm one of those nostalgic people that will probably never get over half of her ex's. It really sucks because you will never know if you truly have feeling for these people or if you are just remembering how much fun you had.

So, this topic came up because I smelled it. Strong, clear and piercing. Jake's cologne. Now, I won't pretend that Jake hasn't treated me like shit. He completely has. I also won't say that I'm over Jake.

He's honestly a weakness. I got used to calling him when I was drunk and now every time I'm drunk I just want to talk to him. How pathetic is that? He is such an asshole, but I can't get over him that easily.

The cologne didn't help either. Every good memory of Jake was suddenly brought to the front of my memory and now I can't get him out of my mind.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I will probably never be over Jake.

Swearing like a lady

Fuck. That is one of my all time favorite words. I just love it. Staccato and vicious and completely out of the blue, fuck.

I think that swearing is one of the best ways to explain to someone who you are. That's not to say that people should judge on how much someone swears. I think that the creativity involved with swearing is what really defines someone. Anyone can call you a mother-fucker, but if someone calls you an exploding bowl of dildos, you know those people are special little nuggets.

And, hot damn, I just LOVE when people say swearing isn't lady-like. Fucking good! I hate being treated like a fragile, helpless lady. I will swear like a fucking sir if I have to!

I like swearing and that doesn't make me a bad person.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I'll fucking do what I want.

What Inspires you?

When learning about greek philosophy, you start wondering things about yourself that you never normally think of. What is happiness? What is success? How can you attain these things?

To me, happiness is the ability to explain myself in a way that would make my role models proud. For instance, if I was doing something extra-ordinary or difficult, I am happy because I can tell my role models about that and they are impressed. To clarify, I don't live to impress people. I just find the most satisfaction when my loved ones are happy for me.

What is success? I would say that success is any accomplishment that will lead to happiness. The biggest success for me would be the ability to inspire people on a grand scale. Writing a best selling book, starting a successful band, ect.

How can I attain these things? I really don't think that college is the answer. I think the best way to attain these goals would be going out and talking. Talking to influential people or creative people. Talking is one of the best ways to gain unique knowledge. 

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my mind has been blown.

The Problem with Celebrities

You can ask about any girl, "What is your celebrity crush?". She will have a name, their date of birth, their affiliations, and their social security number. 

The problem with celebrities is the fact that they are insanely attractive/amazing and they are almost completely unattainable. With the situation the way it is, a normal human will never make an impression on their celebrity crush. Even if you meet this person, you have about a 0% chance of them remembering you. Think of all of the fans these people see everyday. One person just isn't that special.

That's really tragic, if you think about it. People can become so obsessed with someone that they are really only setting themselves up for failure. Sure, there are some random cases when people date/marry their celebrity crushes, but it's rare.

This is the completely true story of my virginity and how I just want to marry Alex Gaskarth...