I'm not going to pretend for a second to be the inspired feminist. I do think that ladies are treated like objects a lot and I do think there is a lot of inequality, but I'm not a dick chopping bitch.
Let me just line out exactly how much it sucks to try to meet society's standards.
Tanning for a month: $40.00
Foundation: $10.00
Lipstick of every damn color in the world: $10.00/month
Mascara: $10.00 per tube
Fun Eyeliner: $5.00/month
Highlights: $60.00/month
All over dye: $60.00
Clothes: Insane amounts
Jewlery: God, I don't even want to talk about it
Nails: $50.00/2 weeks
Diet Pills: $60.00/month
Extensions: $180.00
It's hard to be society's version of perfect and honestly, it's too expensive.
Friday, February 28, 2014
Women.jpg
Clever huh? Yeah, that's right kids, we are going to talk about the image of women.
Weight is such a bullshit concept. Do you know why? Well, because we are really all going to die. Sorry to be Miss Realistic, but we are literally all going to die. So, what is the point of health food drinks and salad? We are all going to die and drinking that nasty shit is really just prolonging your life a little bit.
In all honesty, why do any of us want to live longer anyway? If we live until ninety, we will just live long enough to see all of our friends die and probably our significant others. We will also most likely be living in a nursing home where the staff is just hoping to get home so they can hug their children and make them promise to kill them before they also get that old. Yeah, in all reality, health food drinks just make you shit your pants for a few years before death instead of dying at the ripe old age of 70 or 80 in your house eating all the ice cream Ben and Jerry can make.
Why are young girls treating their bodies like shit just because we are told that bone skinny is attractive? No, healthy is attractive. Even then, girls shouldn't have to stress and change their bodies to be appealing. Young men shouldn't have to lift weights everyday to find someone to love either. If everyone wasn't such a shallow prick about appearance then we might all be able to relax and be ourselves.
No more dieting. You look fine. Everything in moderation. Don't spend 90$ on miracle skinny pills.
Weight is such a bullshit concept. Do you know why? Well, because we are really all going to die. Sorry to be Miss Realistic, but we are literally all going to die. So, what is the point of health food drinks and salad? We are all going to die and drinking that nasty shit is really just prolonging your life a little bit.
In all honesty, why do any of us want to live longer anyway? If we live until ninety, we will just live long enough to see all of our friends die and probably our significant others. We will also most likely be living in a nursing home where the staff is just hoping to get home so they can hug their children and make them promise to kill them before they also get that old. Yeah, in all reality, health food drinks just make you shit your pants for a few years before death instead of dying at the ripe old age of 70 or 80 in your house eating all the ice cream Ben and Jerry can make.
Why are young girls treating their bodies like shit just because we are told that bone skinny is attractive? No, healthy is attractive. Even then, girls shouldn't have to stress and change their bodies to be appealing. Young men shouldn't have to lift weights everyday to find someone to love either. If everyone wasn't such a shallow prick about appearance then we might all be able to relax and be ourselves.
No more dieting. You look fine. Everything in moderation. Don't spend 90$ on miracle skinny pills.
Boobs...
Please, don't call boobs, breasts. I am not a mom yet. I have tits, titties, and boobs. Not breasts. I don't even have those saggy sad things yet. If another human has not been nourished from my teet, then they are NOT BREASTS!
I don't know why I hate that word so much. Maybe because people are trying to be polite while talking about boobs. If you are talking about my tits, the train to polite already left. That's like me calling balls, testicles. Yeah, because that's what the doctor calls them. Not normal humans.
If you are going to talk about these wonderful sacks of jello, then please just call them something adorable like boobs because I really don't like the idea of mom breasts sagging from my weighted chest. Nope, nope, nope, big bowl of nope.
Rant over.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how they're just damn tits!
I don't know why I hate that word so much. Maybe because people are trying to be polite while talking about boobs. If you are talking about my tits, the train to polite already left. That's like me calling balls, testicles. Yeah, because that's what the doctor calls them. Not normal humans.
If you are going to talk about these wonderful sacks of jello, then please just call them something adorable like boobs because I really don't like the idea of mom breasts sagging from my weighted chest. Nope, nope, nope, big bowl of nope.
Rant over.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how they're just damn tits!
I should have just listened to my mom...
You know how moms always give you generic advice? That advice that makes your soul shrivel and you wonder how your mom made it this far in life. Words like "I'm rubber, you're glue. Anything you say bounces off me and sticks to you". Jesus mom, did you just sit in a corner through high school?
As it happens, mom was right. Most of the advice she gave, was the advice I could have used. I should have worn whatever clothes I wanted. I would have had more confidence through school and I probably would have been happier. However, I can't go back. So, moral of the story, wear those leather leggings. Color your hair blue. Dance in the parking lot. Wear glitter all over your face because, god damn it, you're a fucking diamond.
Sorry to get all nostalgic, but it's true. I should have just listened when my mom said that he was a loser and that I could do better.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how mother knows best.
As it happens, mom was right. Most of the advice she gave, was the advice I could have used. I should have worn whatever clothes I wanted. I would have had more confidence through school and I probably would have been happier. However, I can't go back. So, moral of the story, wear those leather leggings. Color your hair blue. Dance in the parking lot. Wear glitter all over your face because, god damn it, you're a fucking diamond.
Sorry to get all nostalgic, but it's true. I should have just listened when my mom said that he was a loser and that I could do better.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how mother knows best.
Relationships
I know, I know. Nobody wants to hear the sob story about how I have trust issues and how I'm emotionally unavailable. Well, too damn bad. This is my blog and I just feel like explaining some things.
First of all, I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a month. This of course doesn't include flings or long distance because, let's be real, those shouldn't count for anything anyways. Flings were just a nice way of saying "I want to bang you, but I won't brag about it". And, real talk, long distance relationships are a joke. I've been in college long enough to know that an open relationship and a long distance relationship are synonymous. Every boy cheats on their long distance lady. Isn't that nice though? I just love seeing that love isn't real.
Anyways, one of the reasons that I didn't really date in high school, was the fact that I had the self confidence of a potato. This totally makes sense due to the fact that I was convinced that I was a genetic abnormality. I also had an older brother that was bros with all of the boys in my grade. So, all of the cute boys treated me like I was their little sister. Cute, adorable, and completely undatable.
Being completely honest, I would have loved to date half of those boys. I was so convinced that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Only now do I know that some of those guys actually liked me. Turns out what I lacked in confidence, I made up for in being oblivious.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how Tucker wanted to touch my boobs all along.
First of all, I have never had a relationship that lasted more than a month. This of course doesn't include flings or long distance because, let's be real, those shouldn't count for anything anyways. Flings were just a nice way of saying "I want to bang you, but I won't brag about it". And, real talk, long distance relationships are a joke. I've been in college long enough to know that an open relationship and a long distance relationship are synonymous. Every boy cheats on their long distance lady. Isn't that nice though? I just love seeing that love isn't real.
Anyways, one of the reasons that I didn't really date in high school, was the fact that I had the self confidence of a potato. This totally makes sense due to the fact that I was convinced that I was a genetic abnormality. I also had an older brother that was bros with all of the boys in my grade. So, all of the cute boys treated me like I was their little sister. Cute, adorable, and completely undatable.
Being completely honest, I would have loved to date half of those boys. I was so convinced that I was the ugliest girl in the world. Only now do I know that some of those guys actually liked me. Turns out what I lacked in confidence, I made up for in being oblivious.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how Tucker wanted to touch my boobs all along.
Thursday, February 13, 2014
God damn my mom
Eventually,
every girl has to talk to their mom, or mother figure, about their body. Every mom has this weird fascination with when I got my period. Seriously? Why does it matter if I'm buying my own tampons?
The lady talks with my mom were never satisfactory and normally involved being very evasive and awkward. I didn't want to talk about it and to this day I just joke it off. I would never be able to tell my mom about my insecurities and I think that really bothers her.
What is it about the mother-daughter relationship that is intimately locked with the vagina? I mean this baffles me because I don't really care what another vagina does. They have free reign and if they fuck it up, so to speak, then I will drive them to the clinic, but I will not ask questions.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and my mother's obsession with my lady bits.
every girl has to talk to their mom, or mother figure, about their body. Every mom has this weird fascination with when I got my period. Seriously? Why does it matter if I'm buying my own tampons?
The lady talks with my mom were never satisfactory and normally involved being very evasive and awkward. I didn't want to talk about it and to this day I just joke it off. I would never be able to tell my mom about my insecurities and I think that really bothers her.
What is it about the mother-daughter relationship that is intimately locked with the vagina? I mean this baffles me because I don't really care what another vagina does. They have free reign and if they fuck it up, so to speak, then I will drive them to the clinic, but I will not ask questions.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and my mother's obsession with my lady bits.
Friends with Benefits
Hey there!
So, let's continue our sexually eccentric epic with the topic of friends with benefits. I'm sure you've all heard of these great "friends", but in all reality my friend was way more than that. It all started when I was at a student council retreat and I not only ranted, but yelled at this poor boy. He pushed me over the edge of angry and I HATED him.
A few months later, I was shocked when I saw that he had sent me a message on Facebook. The apology was thorough and seemed sincere. I was really shocked by his emotion and that's how it started. A simple Facebook message that blossomed into the most intimate relationship I've ever had.
Let's be real here. We never dated. I didn't really want to be seen with a freshman and he didn't complain. Our "relationship" stuck to illicit meetings, late at night, in my car. I actually did really enjoy being around this guy, he just wasn't boyfriend material and I didn't mind.
I did things with him that I had never done with anyone. It was nice because I knew that we weren't dating and I never actually had to worry about him being happy. I think that's why things actually worked for a while.
This is completely true story of my virginity and how friends don't let friends finger themselves.
So, let's continue our sexually eccentric epic with the topic of friends with benefits. I'm sure you've all heard of these great "friends", but in all reality my friend was way more than that. It all started when I was at a student council retreat and I not only ranted, but yelled at this poor boy. He pushed me over the edge of angry and I HATED him.
A few months later, I was shocked when I saw that he had sent me a message on Facebook. The apology was thorough and seemed sincere. I was really shocked by his emotion and that's how it started. A simple Facebook message that blossomed into the most intimate relationship I've ever had.
Let's be real here. We never dated. I didn't really want to be seen with a freshman and he didn't complain. Our "relationship" stuck to illicit meetings, late at night, in my car. I actually did really enjoy being around this guy, he just wasn't boyfriend material and I didn't mind.
I did things with him that I had never done with anyone. It was nice because I knew that we weren't dating and I never actually had to worry about him being happy. I think that's why things actually worked for a while.
This is completely true story of my virginity and how friends don't let friends finger themselves.
Recap
Hey darlings,
So, I realized that if you are scrolling through this lovely blog, you don't find out the whole story chronologically. The conclusion is at the top and the beginning is at the bottom.
That being said, I have decided to do a quick recap of everything we have learned.
1- From a very young age, I was convinced that I was not a woman.
2- To cover up my abnormality, I faked losing my virginity.
3- I got really good at lying and became the school slut.
4- Turns out my lady bits are completely normal.
5- My life is a damn lie.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my life can be summed up in 5 bullet points.
So, I realized that if you are scrolling through this lovely blog, you don't find out the whole story chronologically. The conclusion is at the top and the beginning is at the bottom.
That being said, I have decided to do a quick recap of everything we have learned.
1- From a very young age, I was convinced that I was not a woman.
2- To cover up my abnormality, I faked losing my virginity.
3- I got really good at lying and became the school slut.
4- Turns out my lady bits are completely normal.
5- My life is a damn lie.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how my life can be summed up in 5 bullet points.
The Swabs
Hey there kids!
You know what's scary as hell? That lady that sticks her fingers all up in your dirty bits and tells you you're normal. That's right kiddos, it's time to talk about the lady doctor.
Let's jump to my senior year. I was in a downward spiral when it came to my social life. Turns out, people don't want to hang out with acclaimed alcoholics and sex addicts. The things I do for fame. Through all of my pretending, I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't completely normal.
So, it came time for my first lady doctor visit and I was TERRIFIED. I'm talking sweating bullets, tapping feet, and praying to every god out there that I would be normal.
Of course, the second I made it into the office, I was told that everything was fine. Nothing to report, nothing strange.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how relief had never been sweeter.
You know what's scary as hell? That lady that sticks her fingers all up in your dirty bits and tells you you're normal. That's right kiddos, it's time to talk about the lady doctor.
Let's jump to my senior year. I was in a downward spiral when it came to my social life. Turns out, people don't want to hang out with acclaimed alcoholics and sex addicts. The things I do for fame. Through all of my pretending, I still had a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that I wasn't completely normal.
So, it came time for my first lady doctor visit and I was TERRIFIED. I'm talking sweating bullets, tapping feet, and praying to every god out there that I would be normal.
Of course, the second I made it into the office, I was told that everything was fine. Nothing to report, nothing strange.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how relief had never been sweeter.
Back to the Dirty Bits
Hey readers,
you know how strippers always have daddy issues? Well, fake sluts have this syndrome that I like to call the "never-have-I-ever" syndrome. Everyone has played the game never-have-I-ever and we all know that one person in the group that puts their finger down for EVERYTHING. These are either extremely rebellious people, or the fake sluts.
Now, being a fake slut for half of my life has taught me how to fake it, and no I don't mean orgasms. I literally can fake almost anything. "Never have I ever done cocaine." Well, fake me sure has and this is what it feels like according to police reports and online statistics. The only thing to remember in being a fake slut is to stay around kind-of-innocent people. The less they know, the more you can pretend.
Does this make me a liar? Of fucking course. Do I regret it, probably. Can I stop. Absolutely not.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how nobody knows my true identity.
you know how strippers always have daddy issues? Well, fake sluts have this syndrome that I like to call the "never-have-I-ever" syndrome. Everyone has played the game never-have-I-ever and we all know that one person in the group that puts their finger down for EVERYTHING. These are either extremely rebellious people, or the fake sluts.
Now, being a fake slut for half of my life has taught me how to fake it, and no I don't mean orgasms. I literally can fake almost anything. "Never have I ever done cocaine." Well, fake me sure has and this is what it feels like according to police reports and online statistics. The only thing to remember in being a fake slut is to stay around kind-of-innocent people. The less they know, the more you can pretend.
Does this make me a liar? Of fucking course. Do I regret it, probably. Can I stop. Absolutely not.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how nobody knows my true identity.
Friday, February 7, 2014
Slut-shaming vs. sluts
Okay let's have some real talk for a second. There is no such thing as a slut.
Every girl will always have a reason for her sexuality and appearance is no excuse for slut shaming.
Everyone is quick to point the finger at Miley Cyrus, but how would you act if the love of your life was suddenly not interested? Change is hard and being in the spotlight makes things worse.
Miley wouldn't have gossip swirling about her if she didn't have access to award shows and cameras.
She isn't a slut, she just doesn't know how to express her pain. She is trying to show Liam how hurt she is.
Tangent
Let's talk about religion for a second. Nothing bothers me more than Jesus freaks.
Let's be honest. Organized religion started as a way to stop people from dying. Jews don't eat pigs due to disease. The first temples were grain silos. And sacrificing animals was only allowed when the animal would be shared with the whole village.
Why would something so simple become a reason to kill people? How is the excuse of love make hate justifiable? Right?! Fucking right?!
Thursday, February 6, 2014
Brett
Disclaimer- I refuse to change names in my own blog. I promised to tell the truth and that's what you're going to get. Brett, I am sincerely sorry if you ever read this. But this is my story and I'm telling it.
I met Brett my freshman year. He was a year older than me and he and my brother had been friends in middle school. My brother claimed that Brett had become a drug addict, I simply think that Brett learned how to lie just like I had.
I could tell that Brett liked me, but I decided to have some self respect for once and let him work for me.
After about a year of lunch dates and free rides home. I agreed to be his girlfriend. I was smitten and he was a liar.
I won't pretend for a minute that I'm bitter about our "relationship" because I'm not. We've both moved on and this was only high school. However, Brett singlehandedly threw my reputation into the inferno.
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how, contrary to popular belief, I did not give Brett a rimjob.
So now what?
Well, as you can guess, my lie spread through my small school like wildfire.
Two things always happen when you are a social pariah: 1- Girls, to your face, pretend they haven't heard (they all have). 2- Guys want to be your "friend".
The worst part about this whole lie was that I HAD to play the part. There was no "just kidding". No going back.
Everyone had heard and I just went along for the ride...
This is the completely true story of my virginity and how you can't trust anyone, not even yourself...
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